Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
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[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue