Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
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A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
yall want some gasoline milk
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Breaking news:
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.