Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
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I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?