GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
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“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”