Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
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I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
My funeral better have a fkn merch table