Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
You Might Also Like
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
True story 🤣
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff