@Darlainky

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

- @Darlainky

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@GorillaNipples1

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

@bobvulfov

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

@celestinelea90

Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don’t ask me questions about a crime scene

@Sammart123

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

@brynnester

Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?

Me: Personal

@UnFitz

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

@samfromks

If you wear a man bun in a dimly lit restaurant and I call you ma’am… That’s on you.

@Browtweaten

[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]

My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash

@Mom_Overboard

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT