@Darlainky

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

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@TheAndrewNadeau

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

@nerdsrockk

When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.

@nigelgodwin

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

@TheAlexNevil

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

@LizHackett

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

@chellemybell22

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

@natkaotic

Those of you who believe everything you read on the internet probably also believe there’s hot local singles in your area.

@KyleMcDowell86

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me.
DR DOG: What’s your job?
PATIENT: Mailman
DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*

@joeljeffrey

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.