WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
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When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Those of you who believe everything you read on the internet probably also believe there’s hot local singles in your area.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me.
DR DOG: What’s your job?
DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.