Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

#oldknees

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You