Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
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Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My husband said I’m the most amazing woman on the planet. GEESH CRAIG WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS OF OTHER PLANETS?!? AM I JUST MEDIOCRE ON THOSE? I’m throwing up so much right now
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Super Hand Dog Face
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I am absolutely never leaving this website
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks