Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
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Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector