Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
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cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
At least he brought enough for everyone
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.