Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.