Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
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Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had