Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
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“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Your honor these allegations are
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.