Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
You Might Also Like
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.