Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

Trying

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

Today’s tshirt

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.

I love being a postman.

I told my vodka about you.