Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
A friend helps you before you need it
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla