I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
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Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Who knew!
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR