Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
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I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Can you solve the riddle??
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.