Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
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A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers