Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.