Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
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Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”