Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
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I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.