Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times