Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
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When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Dune (2021)
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.