Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
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My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
yes… yes…
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.