why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell