why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
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I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.