why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
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her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.