Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
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My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
i wish all
whales
a very
big
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality