Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
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Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Art by Pastelkatto
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
The three genders
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda