Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
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Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
listen closely
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.