Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
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Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Wikigenius
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.