why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
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As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
こいつ天才
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.