why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
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Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners