Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

Shortcut

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

The “research” scene in every horror movie

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.