Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
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Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Interior design 👌
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.