Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.