Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
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one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”