Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
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“I’d like to speak with a manager”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.