Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
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You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
want me to check your oil?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.