Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
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You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?