Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
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I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?