Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
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“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Breaking news:
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.