Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.