Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
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People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”