Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”