Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
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So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
how long have you had this for?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.