Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
do u think theres a butter planet?
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.