Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
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Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
