Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
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My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Rambo Rambow
It’s the weekend y’all
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit