Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
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Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
she has a point
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
they finally got him. they got macavity
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
this is how life feels
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.