Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
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Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding