Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
if you relate to me, get some help
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.