Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
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My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
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Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
learning about math 🧐 📝
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
#parenting
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange