Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
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just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Social Media and Real life
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
these can’t be my only options
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”