Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.