Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
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When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
We will use anything but the metric system
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.