why is it called the super bowl if no one is bowling
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“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
BRAKING NEWS!!
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Printer ink is expensive
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
