Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though