Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all