Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

getting corrected

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.