Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
You Might Also Like
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
when someone compliments me
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me