@T_Bonezzz_

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

- @T_Bonezzz_

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@KKBowls

My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”

@shessoken

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

@MorticiaKate

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

@marcia_bee

Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.

@markedly

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

@FrenulumBreve

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

@bingowings14

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

@carlyken

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

@longwall26

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl