Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

I forgot how to panic. Help

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.