Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
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I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
concern
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”