Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

Me when someone tries to get to know me

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.