Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.