Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
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date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh