Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
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One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…