Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
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The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses