Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.