Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

Boy never ceases to amaze me

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.